Degrees, Deadlines, and Burnout

I have 2 classes left.

Only 2.

2.

You'd think I'd be a little bit more excited but I'm just exhausted. I don't have the energy to do much but the bare minimum to skate by. I have very little brain power to write outside of school but I'm trying. Really really hard.

I recently sent out this email to one of my professors:

Hi Professor_________________, Thank you again for the extension and for reaching out. I want to be honest without oversharing; I have a documented disability that impacts my executive functioning, so several things can happen that tip me into overwhelm and it only gets worse as deadlines stack. This class has been tougher than others because I don’t think my theory knowledge is at the level it should be to be able to work through the class at a reasonable pace, so I’ve just been overwhelmed. I also have difficulties with asking for help when I need it, even at my own detriment. And of course, the weight of life’s responsibilities has taken a toll on me this year. This is not an excuse. I really care about this and the work I produce. I recognize that this wouldn’t be acceptable in a professional setting, especially my lack of communication. So I pushed through and finished [Assignment Name] and have taken some time to get organized and I’ve mapped out a concrete plan below for the remaining work: [insert 4 big assignments I haven't done] I scheduled them to be submitted on Wednesdays for myself due to my work schedule and every other week. If I finish them ahead, I’ll move on to the next one and so on. Additionally, I can send brief check-ins ahead of time. Please let me know if you’d prefer a different order or want me to prioritize specific learning outcomes, I’ll adjust. Again, thank you for your kindness, patience and guidance. I truly appreciate the opportunity to complete the work. Kindly, Esperanza

If this were a one-off extension, whatever. But I needed an extension the first time I took this class, missed that deadline, retook it with permission to reuse earlier work, and still needed another extension into the next semester. Not gonna lie, it's low key embarrassing.

I’ve been in school for so long that I don’t remember what life feels like without homework looming over my head. Every semester chips away at a different part of my energy. There’s the pressure of completing my work in a timely manner and also this internal feeling of creating work that I'm proud of. Then there's everything else.

Work, health, and relationships. At first, I was hungry to grow, excited to learn something new, and to some degree, validate my knowledge. But the deeper I got into the degree, the more I hated it. The glamour and the daydream of grad schooling quickly wore off as assignments poured in.

Which is wild for me to say because my undergraduate degree was no walk in the park. In fact, I was never a fan of school. So I'm not really sure what I expected but it felt different. Maybe it was a moment of clarity and direction at the time. Maybe it was me wanting to overcompensate for how disastrous my undergrad was. Maybe it was a desire to be some sort of figure in my community. Regardless, I wish I chilled out for a bit because school has stopped being about curiosity.

Pictured: Me contemplating if the degree is worth it

And for sure, I’ve learned a lot. But I keep asking myself: At what cost?

My mental health? My creativity? My sense of peace?

I value education; my own and as a public good. I believe it’s a fundamental right and should be free. By itself, learning is joy, but inside capitalism, it becomes an enticing curse that promises success and freedom. And on top of all that, the price is steep. (Literally and figuratively)

Knowledge is dressed up as an opportunity, then you are expected to jump a never ending hurdles with tuition and debt at the forefront. Then while you are there, you are expected to meet the unspoken rules and ever increasing expectation perform at a high level regardless of what is going on. Your goals become less about the learning and more about chasing grades, GPAs, honorifics; just to prove that you belong and are worthy of knowledge. The cost is never just financial. It's an all-consuming flame that devours every part of you.

As much as I want to be anti-establishment, I bought into it and now I feel like I’m on a treadmill chasing excellence, critiquing everything I make because there’s always a way to make it better. Yet, no matter how much I improve, learn, or study, the goalpost keeps moving. I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing this in the first place. It doesn't help that my neurospicy brain is on its own schedule. Nor does that education, as a system, often is an endless loop of productivity that does not care for the very real fact that humans eventually get tired. I'll eventually chill out on the doom and gloom-- I just needed to vent. While I am angry, tired and probably hungry, I am holding space I am incredibly proud of myself. Truly. I’m just angry about how much I’ve had to sacrifice just to be educated. I've missed celebrations and rest days; saying no to things I love and wanted to do because I was drowning; My IBS and lipedema flaring up from stress; creative work being non-existent; financial strain; and my loved ones feeling distant from me. My pride and anger are sitting at the same table ready to box it out.

Two classes left. That’s all. And when they’re done, I hope I can finally breathe and take care of myself with intention; to remember what it’s like to learn without a deadline. To unlearn the idea that growth only counts if it hurts.